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Ariel Sheeger

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How Narcissistic Parents Affect Mental Health in Children

For many children, childhood is a time of wonder, play, and discovery. These children have parents who give them the safety and security to explore the world around them and grow to reach their full potential. 

But some children have one or more parents who lack the right skills or behavior to allow their children to feel safe, secure, and unconditionally loved. Those children who are raised by someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) often experience prolonged trauma, and the effects of this trauma can linger into adulthood.

What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

When we hear the word narcissist, we often think of certain politicians or celebrities who are known for their boastful and arrogant behavior. And while these traits are definitely annoying, narcissism is far more complex and destructive to those in the relationship with the narcissist, particularly children.

The main characteristics of narcissism are a lack of empathy and the inability to recognize the emotional needs of others. Narcissistic parents also tend to view their offspring as competition while simultaneously denying them independent personhood. 

Some other key characteristics of narcissistic parents include:

  • Codependency
  • Inflexible
  • Liars
  • Manipulators
  • Superficial
  • Self-involved
  • Superior

How Does a Narcissistic Parent Affect a Child’s Mental Health?

The following are some common ways kids, and adult children of narcissists, feel about themselves and life in general:

Low Self-Worth

You grow up feeling unseen and unheard. Your emotional needs never really mattered.

Codependency

Narcissistic parents make sure it’s ALWAYS about them. Children grow up feeling 100% responsible for making sure their parent’s needs (financial, emotional, and otherwise) are taken care of. They do not learn how to form healthy boundaries, only how to please others.

Crippling Self-Doubt

Narcissists are liars and manipulators. They will “gaslight” their children into believing a false reality. As a result, children grow up with crippling self-doubt, never believing they can trust their own feelings.

If you believe one or both of your parents was a narcissist and you are suffering from any of these aftereffects, you CAN heal. Working with a therapist who specializes in recovery from narcissistic abuse can put you on the path to self-love, self-compassion, and greater joy and intimacy with others.

If you’d like to explore treatment options, please get in touch with me.

RESOURCES:

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Am I Codependent?

Codependency is a term that describes an unhealthy or unbalanced relationship where one person’s needs are met while the others aren’t. Codependent people are said to “enable” the bad behavior of a loved one by supporting them, no matter if it negatively affects their own well-being.

As an example, a parent may have a hard time setting healthy boundaries by telling their grown addict son or daughter their behavior is unwelcomed and they must move out. This is a bit of a lose/lose scenario because enabling this bad behavior stalls recovery and only perpetuates the problem. In addition, the codependent parent puts themselves in harm’s way, mentally, emotionally, and perhaps even physically.

Codependency often stems from an individual’s low self-esteem, excessive need to please, and an inability to set boundaries. Codependents feel responsible for others’ problems and will take them on, despite the personal toll it may cost them.

Where Does Codependency Come From?

Codependency is usually developed in childhood. If you grew up in an environment where your emotions were either ignored or punished, you most likely developed low self-esteem, believing your needs didn’t matter.

Many codependents had parents who, for some reason, were unable to fulfill their role as caretakers. This dysfunction is usually the result of addiction, depression, narcissism, or other issues. In this situation, the child is forced to take on responsibilities beyond their years, taking care of younger siblings and even their own parent(s).

When we’re young, codependent behaviors are a survival mechanism. But as we become adults, these same behaviors prevent us from experiencing healthy relationships.

Signs of Codependency

Codependent people will typically one or more telltale codependency signs:

  • The belief you must “save” or “rescue” others
  • Low self-esteem
  • A one-sided relationship where one person is responsible and the other is allowed to be chronically irresponsible.
  • Going without so that others can have what they need or want.
  • Walking on eggshells around others and keeping opinions to yourself so as not to upset the other person.
  • Martyrdom – taking care of everyone else and resentful when no one cares for you.
  • A need to control
  • A need to please
  • An inability to set boundaries
  • Staying in relationships that are harmful or abusive
  • A feeling of guilt when taking care of yourself

If you can relate to one or more of these signs, there is a good chance you may be suffering from codependency.

The good news is, by committing to your own personal development and well-being, and working with a therapist who specializes in codependency, you can have a profound recovery that ultimately leads to peace, fulfillment, and true connections with others.

If you’d like to explore treatment options, please reach out to me.

SOURCES:

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Overcoming Societal Pressures on Becoming a Mother

We’ve all seen those scenes in movies and TV shows where the mother is pressuring her daughter to have children. Usually, the mother character will guilt her daughter by saying something like, “You’re not getting any younger you know,” or, “All I want is to be a grandmother. Why are you keeping that from me!” 

These scenes are always funny. Unless of course, you live these scenes in real life! And sadly, many women do live these scenes on a daily basis. If they’re not getting pressure from their mother about having kids they’re usually getting it from a sister or some of their female friends. But this pressure is far from helpful.

Not All Women are Cut Out for Motherhood

As a therapist, I have heard all kinds of stories about the relationship people have had with their mothers. Now granted, mothers are human beings, and even those that try their very best are going to make some mistakes.

But I have heard more stories than I can count of mothers who seemed to not like being a mother very much at all. I have one client who has shared many heartbreaking stories of his childhood; of his mother who always seemed sad and angry. She was never really “into” playing with him or his two other siblings or spending much time with them. She always made my client feel like she gave up a wonderful life to have children and she regretted it every day.

The truth is, not all women are cut out for motherhood. Some women have it in them and some don’t. There was a time when women didn’t really have a choice but to follow the traditional path and get married and have 2, 3, or more kids. But times have changed and women do have a say now about what kind of life they would like to live. 

Pressuring women to fit a specific mold and have children, just because society deems that the “right” life path is simply wrong. All that does is create families who become broken.

Speaking to Someone Can Help

Are you “of a certain age” and feeling pressured by friends and family to have children? Do you feel overwhelmed? It can really help to have someone in your corner that can help you decide what is right for you personally. A therapist can help you understand clearly what your needs are. He or she can then help you set up boundaries with others so that your needs are met.

If you’d like to speak with someone, please get in touch with me.

SOURCES:

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How Your Self-Esteem Affects Your Mental Health

Having a low self-esteem is something many people of all ages deal with. While a low self-esteem is not considered a mental health condition itself, the way we think about ourselves directly impacts our mental health and overall well-being.

What is Self-Esteem?

Self-esteem refers to the way people feel about themselves. Someone with a healthy or high self-esteem thinks positively about themselves and their abilities. They believe they are deserving of respect and have no problems setting healthy boundaries.

Individuals with low self-esteems do not feel very good about themselves. They constantly measure themselves against others and always come up short. They may not think they are worthy of love and respect and will typically not set healthy boundaries, allowing others to take advantage of them.

How Does a Low Self-Esteem Affect Mental Health?

The following are some ways a low self-esteem can impact a person’s mental health:

Poor Relationships 

Human beings are wired for connections. But when we have low self-esteem, we tend to not put ourselves “out there” socially and even tend to isolate, which can lead to poor relationships and loneliness.

Addiction

Studies have indicated low self-esteem in childhood can lead to addictions later in life. Mandy addicts use alcohol and other substances as a way to cope with negative feelings about themselves.

Depression and Anxiety

Living with low self-esteem day after day, week after week, can very much take its toll and eventually lead to the development of depression and anxiety.

How to Build Your Self-Esteem

Building self-esteem is important for mental health and to live a happy life. But it’s not necessarily easy to do it. It’s not like losing weight where you can say I am going to eat less and move more.

That is why I recommend working with a trained therapist who specializes in helping people build their self-esteem. A therapist can help you identify your core negative beliefs and determine where they came from. He or she can then help you develop a new, realistic self-esteem that reflects who you truly are.

If you or someone you know is suffering with low self-esteem and would like to explore treatment options, please get in touch with me.

SOURCES:

https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/July-2016/Why-Self-Esteem-Is-Important-for-Mental-Health

https://www.hormona.io/why-self-esteem-affects-your-mental-health/

https://fherehab.com/learning/self-esteem-mental-health

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